Man's Best Friend
by Distant Glory
Summary: Dolcetto is never going to be allowed to stand solo guard duty ever again. AU.


This fic belongs to the same 'verse as 'Safe Place' (Zaz's Gang AU) and starts in medias res because Spoilers. Ed and his friend have just broken into the Devil's Nest and had an argument with Greed about certain plans...

 _Disclaimer:_ I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist, and the idea of the Gang AU belongs to Zaz9-zaa0.

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 **Man's Best Friend**

"Fine, whatever," said Greed. "Are we done?"

Elric glared. Maybe when he grew up a bit, that glare would be scary. For now, Greed felt approximately zero fear. All that _he_ wanted was to get topside and see what they'd done to Dolcetto. Greed had thought Elric and his crew harmless enough, and now he was kicking himself. His broader experience was that the younger people were, the more likely they were to do stupid things.

'Don't worry, he's not dead' was not at all reassuring to someone who had seen the things that Greed had.

"We'll see you out," said Martel. There was a cold note in her voice, and Greed wouldn't give two whoops in hell for the chances of Elric and his buddies if they'd done something Martel didn't like.

She'd seen the same things that Greed had, after all.

Reluctantly, the brats rose and shuffled towards the stairs. Greed let Martel go first. She had the more personal stake in this, though of course he'd be helping out if there was any punishment to be dealt. She was fingering one of her knives as they climbed the stairs, already starting to move more loosely in preparation for a strike.

"Paninya!" called Elric, as they walked through the front door, Greed and Martel still at their heels. "We're going."

"Already? Wow, that was fast." The voice was light and female. "I was hoping for more quality time with the puppy."

" _I am not a damn puppy._ "

Martel actually stopped short in shock. Greed side-stepped her and peered out the door. What he saw made him blink dumbly.

Dolcetto was lying on his stomach in the middle of the alley, a frankly murderous look on his face. On his back sat a black girl, same age as the rest of the brats. Her loose camouflage patterned pants didn't quite hide the shapes of the prosthetics under the cloth. She was holding one of Dolcetto's elbows, and the other hand was...

Greed put his face in his hands. "I am never putting you on guard duty again," he said, unwilling to look at his most loyal henchmen being scratched behind the ear like a literal dog.

"Awww, but he was doing such a good job of it," cooed the girl—Paninya? "It's not his fault that we were friendly enough to convince him he should let us past."

"Friendly my _ass,_ " snarled Dolcetto. "You—ugh."

Greed risked lowering his hand, and immediately wished that he hadn't. The reason that Dolcetto had cut himself off was that Paninya had started to scratch him behind _both_ ears. Dolcetto's eyes were half-closed, and Greed felt a part of his soul die as his henchman's leg actually starting kicking against the beaten dirt.

"You are a disgrace to the Devil's Nest and I am kicking you out," he announced.

Dolcetto _whined._ "Aw, boss—"

"Sweet!" interrupted Paninya. "Ed, can we keep him? I promise to take him for walks and house-train him and make sure he doesn't fight with Den."

" _House-train_. You little—" Dolcetto managed to brace one hand in the dirt before Paninya had him subdued again. It was almost physically painful to watch.

"No," said Ed.

"Aww, c'mon, Ed!"

" _Hell_ no. We are not adopting a rival gang member. And don't even think about asking Winry for permission, either."

Paninya grinned. "I wasn't actually going to do that, but now that you mention it..."

" _No._ "

"I don't fucking believe this," said Martel, voice strangled.

"You may as well take him," said Greed. "He's dead to us now."

Dolcetto whined again. It was the most pathetic sound that Greed had ever heard—though not quite as pathetic as the sorrowful look that his henchman was turning on him.

"Are you seriously giving me puppy-dog eyes right now?" he asked incredulously.

Dolcetto just whimpered. Greed wrenched his gaze away with an effort. Those eyes were like damn black holes, pulling you down in their dark depths...

"Aww, sad puppy," said Paninya, petting Dolcetto's head. "Don't worry, baby, we'll treat you better than he does."

"We are not adopting the dog!"

"Goddammit, I am _not_ an actual dog!"

"That is not a convincing argument right now," said Martel. She shifted so that Greed could stand beside her, and leaned casually against his side. "You are so pathetic."

Dolcetto turned the big sad eyes on his friend. "Help."

Greed knew without looking that Martel would have that wicked grin on her face. "Not a chance."

Dolcetto tried to twist under Paninya's weight, but she must have weighed more than she looked. He couldn't seem to tip her off. "When you let me up, I'm going to kill you," he growled.

She bopped him on the nose. "Bad puppy. No treat for you."

The look on Dolcetto's face—outrage mixed with an undeniably canine guilt—broke both Greed and Martel. They collapsed against one another for support, roaring with laughter. It was partially sheer relief—that they hadn't had to rescue Dolcetto, that they hadn't misjudged the Elrics badly enough to put a friend at risk—but the situation was undeniably hysterical. It was too bad the others were sleeping, and that they didn't have a camera.

There was a familiar scamper of feet on the roof above them.

"Got the whole thing, bossman!" called Bido. Looking up, Greed saw his gecko holding up a video camera triumphantly, and grinned.

"Nice work, Bido."

Dolcetto planted his face in the dirt and muttered something that sounded a lot like, "Fuck my life." That sent Martel off again. She had her face pressed into Greed's shoulder, and he had an arm wrapped around her waist to support her as she nearly laughed herself off her feet.

Elric didn't seem to find the situation nearly as amusing as they did. Maybe he was afraid that Greed really _would_ just hand over his dog like that. He'd learn. "Come _on,_ Paninya."

Paninya sighed. "Fine." She sprang off Dolcetto's shoulders with incredible lightness for someone with two artificial legs. Dolcetto grabbed for her, and she dodged without looking, almost skipped over to Elric's side. "I'll just have to give Den lots of love tonight instead."

"You're better off," said Martel, wiping her eyes. "This one drinks way too much booze."

Paninya thrust out her lower lip, eyes as big and sad as Dolcetto's had been. "But he's such a good boy."

"I am not a good boy," growled Dolcetto, apparently beyond the point of embarrassment.

"But you'll do anything for ear scratches," said Martel wickedly. "That's close enough."

"I hate you all."

"Good _bye_ ," growled Elric, shoving his hands in his pockets and taking off down the alley. His buddies waved, and Paninya had the balls to blow Dolcetto several kisses before she trotted after her friends. Greed thought that Dolcetto's head might actually explode from the effort of not going after her, and chuckled under his breath. He liked that girl.

When their footsteps had faded, though, all the suppressed rage drained out of Dolcetto. He turned to Greed. He looked exactly like a dog waiting to be kicked.

Greed crooked a finger at him. "Get over here."

Dolcetto came—hesitantly, braced for some kind of abuse. Greed stared at him until the other man dropped his eyes, then cuffed him lightly upside the head. "Try not to let that happen again, hey?" He kept his voice light and amused. It was an effort.

Dolcetto's came up, eyes wide and bright with sudden hope. "You're not kicking me out?" The wonder in his voice made Greed's stomach drop. Yeah, he was definitely going to take that—not to mention that slinking, fearful approach—out of Wrath's hide one of these days.

Martel saved him from having to answer. "I can't believe you bought that," she said, rolling her eyes. "You're such an idiot."

"We'll just put Ulchi on guard duty from now on," said Greed, clapping Dolcetto on the shoulder and letting his friend clasp his wrist for a moment. "No one tries to pet a crocodile."


End file.
